My post in 2016 start with my worry and money. However, i hope my post become more positive and less materialistic. Since I promise to myself that at least, I produce one post in each week, any kind of post, though I hope I can produce more fictional story in this blog. My skill kinda rust, dont you think? Yosh, wish me luck in this target won’t you?
Anw, back to topic, Getting money become my concern lately. Since I dont have any regular job as a freelance (the consequencies that I am aware of), it made me worry. As a first born, there is unwritten task for me to provide money for the family. Even those money will be saved in the bank for future usage, but the burden to be the breadwinner (not the main one btw) in the family sometimes become a burden for me. Sometimes I feel ashamed if I don’t have any job on that month because I couldnt give money to my family.
Actually, the shame not having job kinda happen to me lately. It has been almost two months that I dont have any job to produce money. Being idle and achieve nothing is terrible plus I dont get any money. There are days that I want to shout, “How can I pay this bill if I dont have any money?” (Hyperbolic, I know). I also have so many plan that needs money. This terrible feeling even weighted me and affect my performance in the latest interview. I messed up, like really bad.
However, there is some points, between that worriness, that I remember him. You know, I was so nervous to attend my latest job interview because of many not-good-feelings surround me. Hence, I pray and pray and pray to God to make me calm.
After the not-good-interview done, I cried so bad since I feel like a loser and worried to disappoint my family. This awful feeling led me to read Holy Quran to make me calm. My crying become so hard when I read the verse with this translation as below
It felt like a slap in my face. I forgot there is The One who knows every thing good and bad for me. I forgot that He always find the way to guide me for the best choice. Then, if I have tried, I should accept whatever result He decide, right? Because He knows the best.
This acceptance don’t come easily for me. Being a hardheaded and low self esteem person, I know that I will bawl if the result don’t reach my expectation. However, so far, He never lets me down, why worry then? I just hope that I can learn and be enlightened after this process.
Then, problem to find the money is becoming less heavy. Currently, I have send cv to some projects. Hopefully, they will react positively to my application. One xperience make me realize that He never fails to show His way to show His Greatness to us. Since a year ago, I plan to buy my mom a smartphone, since almost all her old friends use it to communicate and it will be easier to her to do Silaturrahim by using smartphone. However, with my current condition, it is impossible to do do it. But, here come a good things. My brother’s friend let us buy his used smartphone with much cheaper price. We only need to repair some button and voila, the phone is as good as the new one. Then I realize, He shows His Greatness maybe not in the way that I want (e.g getting the money for buying smartphone) but sure the happy feeling can also be found with His way (getting smartphone for cheaper price). The only thing that I should do is believe Him, right?