Something that we can and cannot change

In 2015, I started this year with optimism, seeing that last year (2014) I performed not goo enough (Well, some people said I was performing well, but well is not enough for me). More important is… not like other year, I wrote my target in 2015, yeaaay! and hopefully, I can fulfill all the targets. My family also has some optimism, my youngest and first brother is starting to adapt with their school/college, my second brother is training and studying so hard so that he can join army and or pass the SNMPTN test, and my parents start to be loose on our financial problem and start focusing on their health (the one that I am grateful for). However, I (or my family to be exact) also got a shocking news, my second younger brother have a partial blind color.

When I first heard the news, it broke my heart, literally and metaphorically. My second brother is one of few people that I know who know what he wants to be since he was in play ground. He wants to be an army, like my uncle. We supported them. He has everything tha Army needs, good body posture, clever minds, patient and obedient trait. We also know how hard he trained physically for the admission test. Besides the Army, because he likes physics (well at least he understands the formula and the concept between that cute letter), I encourage him to take physics and then have major in geophysics. We all know how much money will be thrown in oil area and he starts to likes the idea. And then bam! Army and Geophysics are gone when he know he has partial blind color. When I read articles in websites, so many faculty that doesn’t allow partial blind color person to join and also many companies who doesn’t accept them and these things made him sadder.

It broke our hearts to see him sad. I never know that I will be this sad to see him sad. Well, I am not a good sister, I admit that, but to know that your brother can not have something because something that he can not change, it is just…sad. When I talk to him about it, It feels like he lost the hope, in everything. Well, it is normal, I know. First because he has tried his hardest and second he can not do anything with it in achieving his dream. Hope, according to Lopez (in Tartakovsky, 2013) has four core beliefs, which are the future will be better than presents, I have the power to make it so, There are many paths to my goals and None of them is free of obstacles. I think, my brother has lost the second beliefs which is the power.

I know that he can not be drown into sadness for long, I know that we also can not be drown in to the same one. Me and My family should be strong for him, me and my oldest brother should be a guide for him. I said to him bluntly, I don’t know how it feels, to can not achieve something because of something unchangeable however, I always believe that there is a reason. Honestly, I still can not find a reason for this situation and neither does he. However, I do pray and pray that God will guide him to find one so that he will find closure and acceptance.

This moment makes me reflect on my target. I have some competency, maybe i have my own limit that I can not change, however, looking at my target in 2015, I think my limitation is something that I still can change and control to achieve the target. Well, it doesn’t hurt to try right? Shame on me if I am not working so hard to achieve them because I have the power to do so. Soo, pray for me please, folks? and also my brother?

Kuningan,
Start Monday with Optimism 🙂

Iklan

Dear Brother (2)

Dear Brother,

How are you again up there? I am fine, so do others here, though it is not always fine but we manage 🙂
Too much reading fanfiction regarding brother-sister relationship always makes me miss you and loss feeling exist there. Though I know how can I feeling loss when I never experience having an older brother? Yeah, but it is there.

I know, reading too much fanfiction is not good. It screws my reality and makes me detached. It is fiction after all, it is exaggerating the fact, the feeling to have an older brother, but still…. I know we can’t change about it, let bygones be bygones.

And I know for sure it is better like this. I will never have an older brother. Older brother is something that you never can ask with your parents, right? you can ask for younger but not older. However, I know how to feel like a little sister. I know how it feels to be guided in something new in life, I know hot it feels to be spoiled and I know how it feels to be protected by some people that really cares about you beside your family. I feel it when I am with my friends and my seniors in Senior High School, College and Office.

They always give me free advice about almost everything, work life, romantic relationship, master degree, and life itself whenever I got confused. They cheer me up, they always believe in me even when I don’t believe in myself. They protect me, they warn me if they think is not good for me but they let me do it in the end because they know, when I realize that I did a mistake, that I am wrong, they always be there to say that it is fine. They spoil me, not much but enough to know how it feels to be younger sister. They feel uneasy when I got hurt, some of them are willing to give a ‘lesson’ to someone that hurts me (I know it is bad things to do but I feel touch when I know about it). Last, I think, some of them are willing enough to do assessment and screening for whoever my husband-to-be :p ahahhaha.

Then to realize those facts, I know you are not in here for good. You can not be replaced, once again, how can we replace something that we never have. However, He sends me so many people who are kind enough to act like an older brothers and even I have older sisters (something that you will never be, if you were here, right?). I know, your sister should be more grateful, more focused on what she has than what she should have, right Older Brother? So I am fine and will be fine and a plus, you know, I have an older brother that wait for me in the Gate of Heaven.

So just rest in peace, dear older brother, and wait for me, will you?

Once again, in tiny cubicle, Kuningan
December 31st, 2014

Welcoming 2015

Well, today is December 31st, nothing special really, except for I am still in the office, in my tiny cubicle (as someone says :p) and working while facing new year, 2015. It is fine, I have no plan to do anyway. However, Facing new years always makes me think, what had I done in a year, what had I reached, what had I become and sometimes I can not help to feel that time flies that fast.
Zooming out in 2014, honestly, I am not satisfied with this year. Compare to 2013, There is no achievement that I have in this year. In 2013, I had so much turbulences, so much storms, it is not always a pleasant experience but I am proud that I made it, well at least. Changes always chased me in 2013 and I am not good by facing changes. My heart was broken, my mind was squeezed, and my self esteem was being challenged, but I lived (until now) and like OneRepublic says, “I owned the second that this world could give”.
I don’t know how but in 2014, my self shows declining trend (oofh, I sound like my brand tracking report). I am getting fatter (sad, rite? 😦 ), I am getting ungrateful and always complaining (especially for everything-work-related) and I didn’t do anything for others (this is the saddest part, actually). My weekend always filled by sleeping to catch up the sleep-deprived in weekdays and practically I do nothing. Maslow is soo right about this, someone should feel the basic need first (physically, in my case hunger for sleep) before they can move forward to fulfill the relation and emotion needs. Sometimes, I met my friends in weekend, It made me feel happy but It doesn’t long last because I know I am feeling worth when I know I can be useful to others or I feel like I am useful.
I reflect my life now and my life in college, so different, I feel like I am more useful in College plus my knowledge is not being used fully in the field I work now. What happened with me? My friend is busy pursuing their dream and here I am now, stuck. I always told someone that it is fine if the way to your dream is a little bend, as long as you do not forget your dream. Umh, well, I forgot to say that, “put the effort to make the way to reach your dream” and now I got lost.
Here I am again, sulking again, it is not solving problem 😦

In 2015, there are so many things that I want to achieve, so many things I want to do, so many things I want to have. So better to start planning about it then only write your complain here, right?

In tiny cubicle, Kuningan
December 31, 2014

In My Facebook Homepage

I seldom open my facebook page, but when I do…… boom!
It feels like everyone has reached his/her dream and I just stay here, stuck (?).
One of my friend becomes Pengajar Muda and I know he will be favourite teacher of his student. One of my best friend has been in Kings and I am sure, playing with genetic and I am sure she will reach her degree in at least cum laude predicate. The others are in York, Maastricht, in other cities in other part of the world, reaching their dream. Some of them are preparing their marriage, smile with happiness. Then, when I look at myself… I reflect, what have I done? What have I reached? Why do I stuck here? Have I forgotten my dream and become comfortable with current situation?
And this situation makes me evaluate my plan.Is it impossible for me to reach my dream now? (uuh, over pathetic again!)
I know one of problem that I face is I procrastinate too much. I am not sure about what I want, but instead of looking for information, I am satisfied only with answer “I am not sure yet” when my friend ask about my master degree plan. I am aware that I don’t have enough money to continue my master degree, but instead of looking for scholarship information or preparing myself to enter the scholarship program, I just share what I know to other that also has some interest to continue master. I know mom and dad don’t approve that I continue master degree before I married, but instead of convince them with action, I just keep quiet and what I hate is…I do nothing.
I become anxious, afraid. Many negative thought comes “what if I never reach my dream?”, “What if I always stuck in here?” “What if I become a person that I don’t want to be?” “What If I can’t be a star like him?” and many what if comes and I do…nothing.

Breathe Ashma, breathe. Maybe instead of whining, I should start to dig information from now, right?

 

Kuningan, get cranky because of hunger

Hinata and I

Lately, I have a time for myself like a lot! My job is not taking my time too much and I don’t have anything to do beside my job. Then I think, when my friend ask me to resign because they think my job is too much, the reason I stay is because it becomes my shell, my reason to tell others that I am busy, have something to do. Not just lazing around and do nothing (though i do it a lot on weekend, hehehe).
Well, save it for another post. Since I have so many times, I take my times to do what I do in senior high school, reading manga! I know, i am 22 y.o, grown mature adult (I hope) but reading manga is one of the way I relax myself. One of manga that I read is Naruto. Well, a lot changes! Sasuke, my fourth love becomes a bastard! Why Masashi Kishimoto makes Sasuke like that? (fangirling mode: on).
However, I like part about Hinata. Finally, Hinata confess to Naruto, yeay! (I know, so late I am to know this just..now). It makes me cry in happiness (though I still hate the way Kishimoto picture Hinata, still a weak girl in ninjutsu, please Sensei, spare some strentgh to her, she deserves that). I fond of her because i think, somehow i feel that I look like her in some ways.
I am not shy, I can converse well with new people, I also am not silent person but the lack of self-esteem, self-confidence is the same thing with Hinata that I have. If Hinata says that she ‘loves’ Naruto, I also have someone that I admire (please noted: admire not love) so much an like Hinata says, “I am in the way and I lost, and when I look at you, you help me to find my way, and I want to be like you”.
I know him when I was in my second year of college. He is part of Student Union in University level and I am part of student union in Faculty level. I admit, I notice him first because of silly reason but more I know him, I know he is a great person. He has good track record in his faculty, he’s developing a community and he also become the source of great ideas that still exist until now in my university. He is useful for those around him, clever, idealist and has some great qualities that I admire.Like a star, he becomes the source of light, the source of gravity so that many people attract and follow him to do something good.
Also, because of he is a star, I only can see him for faraway (literally and metaphorically) and it is fine actually. Though I have a chance to introduce myself to him, I doubt he still remember me and once again it is fine. I give away a chance to see him in romantic way, I am not in his level.
I admire him, he is my benchmark, the person that I want to be. I want to be useful, give benefits to people around us, develop some communities like him. If I work harder, I can continue my master program, maybe see some part of other world that I never knew like the way he reaches his dream.
He is always be my star, a shining star from faraway and also a constant reminder to start work harder to achieve what I want..and I am grateful for that.

Kuningan, 24 Sept 14

Keep Moving Forward

“It doesn’t matter how much you wonder or how much you wish it had been different. We can only continue forward and along the way you move, you find other people who make you realize there are reasons to keep moving forward. Sometimes…. you even find a reason to start smiling again”  Ichigo Kurosaki Everything […]

Life doesn’t work that way

What do you think?

Life doesn’t work that way, you know

It doesn’t permit you to bump to someone that you think right now so suddenly

It doesn’t permit you to suddenly see someone that you miss so much

It doesn’t make someone know what’s on your mind all the time

It doesn’t make Cinderella meet Prince Charming to every one

Life doesn’t make every wish you make to the star come true

Life doesn’t make you the center of the world like protagonist do in movies

Maybe, Life won’t make yourself happily ever after

Maybe, Life won’t make you meet your soulmate the way romance novel told you so

Maybe, Life won’t make you easily solve your own problem like you want

Life does them to you, you know and it doesn’t work that way

But it does make life interesting, doesn’t it?

Kuningan, di sela-sela mengerjakan kuesioner

 

Bertemu Kamu

Lagi, pikiran saya kembali ke kamu. Padahal, sebulan dua bulan ini kamu terlupakan, atau setidaknya tak pernah datang ke pikiran. Kapankah kamu datang?

Dan saya tertawa sendiri sebab saya tahu, entah kenapa, sekarang bukan waktu yang sesuai untuk kamu datang. Saya lalu meringis dan mungkin agak menghujat kenapa bukan sekarang, walau saya tahu alasannya. Pathetic, isn’t it? Tapi saya kadang tak tahan untuk bilang cepatlah kamu datang. Mungkin karena dikelilingi banyak orang-orang yang sudah terlengkapi dan saya merasa terkadang Masih ada beberapa hal yang harus saya selesaikan dalam diri saya, walau saya tahu beberapa hal memang tidak akan selesai. Namun untuk beberapa hal, saya ingin selesai, saya ingin berdamai dengan diri lalu saya bisa memfokuskan untuk bisa menjadi seseorang, demi diri saya sendiri. Sebab kamu ada bukan untuk mendengarkan racauan keluh kesah saya, kamu ada bukan untuk menjadi bantalan saya, kamu ada bukan untuk menjadi tambalan saya dan menutupi saya.

Saya percaya kamu ada untuk membantu kita bertumbuh, menjadi lebih baik bersama, walau saya sekarang ragu apakah saya cukup baik untuk membantu kita bertumbuh dan saya rasa justru karena itu kita belum bisa saling menemukan. Maka saya harus berdamai dengan diri sendiri (lagi) dan menaruh langkah konkrit untuk menyiapkan diri bertemu kamu, bukan seperti anak kecil yang meraung tanpa melakukan apapun mendapatkan permen, kan?

I should learn to dance alone, even in the storm, and enjoy it so that we can do tango together after we meet, right?

Kuningan, Ga ada kerjaan (jilid 2)

Waiting with Lantern
Waiting with Lantern

Dear Brother, I Miss You

Dear Brother

in Heaven

 

How are you there? Hahaha, silly question, isn’t it? For you who haven’t done anything sinful in this world, of course you should be very happy up there. Mama told me once that you are waiting for us in the gate of heaven. So, how’s life in heaven, dear brother? Our family is doing fine, Mom and Dad are healthy, so does our little brother.

I have asked many times to others and myself, can we miss someone that we never meet? Even though I am still looking the answer, I know, if it is related to you, it can. I miss you. I always imagine what you look like if you alive, if you survive. Mama told me once that you look exactly like Dad. Then it makes me think you must be very handsome. I disagree with this, but other people says that Our Dad looks like foreigners but i do agree that he is very handsome, even he is reaching over 60 today. You should be very white, except if you play football every week like our little brothers do and their skins became tanned. Maybe, you are very clever, but never as clever as me, sorry to say :p hahahha.

I also imagine what brother you wanna be for me, for us. I’ve read some stories that makes me feel warm inside my heart whenever i read about sister and big brother interaction. Will you be like Touya? who is sooo annoying and love teasing Sakura but always there for Sakura, knowing everything about her also overprotective, moreover, banned Syaoran to get near Sakura because Touya is afraid to lose his little sister. or will you be like Kira? who trust enough Cagalli to be with Athrun but still support her whenever she needs.

I always wondering what it feels to have big brother. It should be very significant changes for me then if you are still here. I can ask you many things about new things, about high school life, college life and others. I also don’t feel this ‘burden’ alone, to be the oldest of family and everything should be perfect because everyone is looking for me. I know, so far i am doing fine, but sometimes it is unbearable! Also, if you are here, you will make bad joke, that force me laugh whenever i am sad and broken-hearted. You will scold me because i am soo lazy to work out so that I become fat. I imagine that you will tease me that I am not girl because i hate cooking. Maybe you also give me one, two hints  to stay away from the man that you think, not good enough for me, or maybe you scare them away (and I ended up with having no boyfriend at all because you are so protective :p ). Ther are so many ‘maybe’ if you were here…

But you are not, dear brother. It is not that I am happy with what happens now. Our little brothers are some people that I am proud of. They can be rascals sometimes, but I know they are kind-hearted brothers who I love so dearly. Maybe, it happens because I just need someone says that I don’t face it alone, because i know you are there, as my big brother, who I know will protect me, and everything will be alright, if you were alive.

You know, instead of you, maybe i am the one who will be jealous if you find someone precious to you. I will never see her good enough for you and maybe i will be the one who always ask your attention, i am only your sister after all. However, I will hate you if you do those things to me :p . Maybe, you will be bossy to me and our little brothers and I will be very spoiled to you.

I think, i start complaining a lot. I think, i just miss you, that much and curious about how it feels if we have you here. But i know you are there, in His side, Mom and Dad has let you go, whole-heartedly, so i guess, i should do the same, right? God never give something that we can’t bear, so not to have you now, is something that has good purpose, for you, me, and others around us. I will survive, no I will try my best for our family so I know that, when we meet in the gate of heaven, you will be proud of me.

Eventhough it takes a long time for me to be washed in hell for my sins, will you wait for me? 🙂

Sincerely,

your sister 🙂

 

Kuningan, have no work to do, again

 

Ps : Are you proud of me, dear brother? I miss you