Bertemu Kamu

Lagi, pikiran saya kembali ke kamu. Padahal, sebulan dua bulan ini kamu terlupakan, atau setidaknya tak pernah datang ke pikiran. Kapankah kamu datang?

Dan saya tertawa sendiri sebab saya tahu, entah kenapa, sekarang bukan waktu yang sesuai untuk kamu datang. Saya lalu meringis dan mungkin agak menghujat kenapa bukan sekarang, walau saya tahu alasannya. Pathetic, isn’t it? Tapi saya kadang tak tahan untuk bilang cepatlah kamu datang. Mungkin karena dikelilingi banyak orang-orang yang sudah terlengkapi dan saya merasa terkadang Masih ada beberapa hal yang harus saya selesaikan dalam diri saya, walau saya tahu beberapa hal memang tidak akan selesai. Namun untuk beberapa hal, saya ingin selesai, saya ingin berdamai dengan diri lalu saya bisa memfokuskan untuk bisa menjadi seseorang, demi diri saya sendiri. Sebab kamu ada bukan untuk mendengarkan racauan keluh kesah saya, kamu ada bukan untuk menjadi bantalan saya, kamu ada bukan untuk menjadi tambalan saya dan menutupi saya.

Saya percaya kamu ada untuk membantu kita bertumbuh, menjadi lebih baik bersama, walau saya sekarang ragu apakah saya cukup baik untuk membantu kita bertumbuh dan saya rasa justru karena itu kita belum bisa saling menemukan. Maka saya harus berdamai dengan diri sendiri (lagi) dan menaruh langkah konkrit untuk menyiapkan diri bertemu kamu, bukan seperti anak kecil yang meraung tanpa melakukan apapun mendapatkan permen, kan?

I should learn to dance alone, even in the storm, and enjoy it so that we can do tango together after we meet, right?

Kuningan, Ga ada kerjaan (jilid 2)

Waiting with Lantern
Waiting with Lantern
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Knight in the Shining Armor

It has been a long time, I didn’t meet one of my best friend, the one that I called Abang. His name is Posma. I got close to him when we became core team in Student Union of Faculty of Psychology. Posma always be the wisest one among us (we consists of 6 people, 3 man and 3 woman). Not like his habit, he went to Campus after he worked then we made an appointment to meet, besides of he want to give me a bag. As usual, when we meet we always talk each other, about experience, story that happen when we don’t meet. As a good brother, he always give solution about problem that happen to me, including love. You know, according to PI, i am not good at choosing someone to be my partner :p. No, i am not. they are wrong. but still I ask Abang about love’s suggestion.

Then, you know, I choose wisely after that ‘experience’ happen but sometimes i feel like i push other people who have intention to get close to me. I say to them,. “We are friends, aren’t we?” And Abang scold me and say “You know it’s kinda like death sentence to a man”. Heuh, i don’t care. I just feel like, i haven’t met someone who can fulfill my criteria. I adore someone, even though i know he never look at me but i make him as my ideal criteria to be in my partner. You  know why, because he does something good to society, he has good quality and i adore him because he reminds me how i want to live my life, how i want to be. I explained it to Abang about this

Abang says, “I know that you think he is your ideal partner. But you know, if you fall in love with the knight, you fall in love with the man inside the shining armor right? Not the armor itself and I am worried that you still focus at the armor not the man who has quality to be a knight”. and it struck me light a thunder, make me dissonance. Heuhheu, I don’t know I am insisting that I do want to find a man like him but I know that I can’t.

I know maybe it is easier to find a man who has quality to be a knight. Him and I can bring our best to each other. I also can learn and be a princess :p. I don’t know actually, but what I believe is maybe I haven’t found him so maybe i still look at the shining armor and better myself until someone can make believe that i’ve found my man inside the armor and he is him 🙂

Kampus, waiting for my brother